Reflections

It’s the end of the year. Almost.

One week to go. It’s that time when people look back on what they’ve experienced, look forward to the next year, maybe resolve to do something better or different.

New beginnings. Sure, most resolutions won’t last long, but they make people feel renewed, inspired.

I feel drained. Lost. Alone. What lies behind me are half-hearted attempts, wasted efforts, and unfinished dreams.

I’ve always been the ‘glass half empty’ type, and I feel like even that half is dribbling away. So many setbacks and struggles in 2018. So many tears. And yet, I have so much more than so many others, why do I wallow so?

It is never enough. Someone else has a better website, more followers, cleverer messages. I don’t post regularly, write daily. My time is limited by a full-time job, and yet I should be thankful I have a full-time job.

I have an awesome son, so why do I feel lonely? I know I have so little time to cultivate friendships, online or in real life, yet I am sad when I see all the threads on twitter I haven’t had time to join, see all the fun they’ve had.

Jealousy. Self-pity.

Goals and dreams lie unfulfilled. I haven’t revised my first draft, while others are getting agents and publishing. My plan to lose weight derailed weeks ago.

Garbage in, garbage out.

That feels about right. I tell myself that it’s okay, I don’t have to live up to someone else’s standards, I have too many other responsibilities to put more on myself. But then I see how much others have accomplished and I feel small and insignificant. What I have done is never enough.

I am never enough. Someone is smarter, faster, prettier, has more friends. Everything about me that I have accepted as who I am, that I have told myself is okay, flies right out the window and crashes on the pavement.

But if I only think positive thoughts, I will become positive.

I keep waiting.

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